Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.