After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me checking my bank balance online.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.