Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*