Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”