today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops