Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Every BBC series about the universe.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up