Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
next question.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
You can’t rush stupid.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!