4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.