Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
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If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
There’s only one good girl here!
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole