My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Holy shit he’s back
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.