I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.