I told my vodka about you.
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
liiiiiiiiike
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit