There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
🙋♀️
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter