HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
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I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
my name if I was in the mob
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.