I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Okey dokey.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow