Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
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I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker