*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
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I just ran a .003048K
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
*exercises sarcastically*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.