I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
oh shit
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
United Steaks of America
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.