I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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Who comes up with this kinda stuff
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Not today. 😅
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST