[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.