Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.