After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions