Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
You Might Also Like
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.