My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.