do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.