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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Some people were born into their job.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006