“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.