I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.