(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
You Might Also Like
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Double negatives are never not confusing.