sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
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A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
taking June’s advice to heart
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Meowchelangelo
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.