I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.