In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”