Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
nature’s most graceful animal
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
2 years later
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
The Book. The Movie.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart