My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Sign of the day..
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Worst perfume name ever.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos