There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I wanna be friends with this person
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting