I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You Might Also Like
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.