My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow