My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I cannot call her anything else now
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
hmm conte-me mais
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.