“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.