That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.