HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
PLEASE READ
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter