Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
How do horror writers compete with current events?