Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
*lint rolls you awake*
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.