If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
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*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I am having an out of money experience.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass