Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.