Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
couldn’t resist
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
your honor my client chooses dare
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry