oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer