I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Every work call, he judges.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.