If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.