The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.